Dear Double Take,
I grew up with my ex-husband. We attended the same high school and hung out with the same friends. A year after we graduated, we started dating, got married and had our son. When we decided to get divorced after five years, we talked about continuing to stay friends and having a good relationship between us for our 4-year-old son.
But now that the actual separation has occurred, he feels that doing things together as a family -- such as going to the zoo -- will send our son mixed messages about how things are between us. I feel the opposite. I think we should continue to show him that we still get along and can do things together because it will make our toddler feel more secure with what is going on. My ex will not even come to our son's birthday party because of these mixed messages he feels it will give him.
I know that a lot of what my ex feels and says is a result of his family's influence on how our divorce should proceed, but no matter what I say, I can't get him to see the other side of what is going on. I do not want to try to explain to our son why his Dad is not at his party, and I truly do not think that I should have to.
I have no problem being friends with my ex, and I feel that we have to have some sort of connection to continue to raise our son. But I feel that the separation he is creating between us will hurt our son in the end. What do you think?

ALANA SAYS:

I think your ex has other reasons for not wanting to spend a bunch of time with you.

Although I think your son would benefit from together time, I don't think it's necessary for his emotional adjustment -- as long as Dad stays in the picture. But even if your ex is adamant about that point, my guess is he wants to limit his time with you for his own emotional health.

Time for the disclaimer: I haven't been through a divorce, and I don't have kids. But after every breakup I've been through, the worst thing I could do is keep hanging out with the guy. All those feelings -- love, hurt, anger, bitterness, attraction, etc. -- just crop right back up again if you haven't given yourself enough distance. So maybe your ex is feeling the same way. Maybe after he has adjusted to his new single status, it won't be so emotionally draining to be around you, and maybe you'll even be friends again.

But even if he never gets to that point, I don't think your son will suffer -- as long as he has plenty of Dad time.

EDDIE SAYS:

Some couples can pull off the "we live apart but still play together" thing. Some can't, sometimes because there's animosity, sometimes just discomfort.

But Alana's right -- even if you don't still pal around, you can still do good things for the person who keeps you and your ex connected.

However, sometimes you'll have to do things that you don't think you should have to. Yes, that might mean having to explain that Daddy can't come to the party, but he'll celebrate with Junior soon (assuming that's true).

That's part of parenting together, even if you're not partnering together.

It can't be any more difficult than explaining why Daddy doesn't live with you any more, and you've already done that.

Dear Double Take
My children and I moved in with my elderly grandmother in December 2004. My grandma is legally blind, mostly deaf and has other medical problems. She loves the kids tremendously. In fact, I believe that if we wouldn't have moved in with her, she would have passed away sometime last year.
She's able to watch the kids in the afternoon before I get home from work, and they are well behaved for her.
Here's my problem: My father, her son, won't come over to visit. My parents only live about a mile from us. My mom comes over to get the kids off to school when I have to be at work early. She has power of attorney for grandma, not my father. Mom's the one who calls her on the phone almost daily.
It's almost as if Dad resents his mother for getting old and going blind. On the rare occasions he visits or calls, it's only a matter of minutes before there's a fight. His verbal abuse toward her is unsettling, and I don't approve of it. It frightens me the way he talks to his mother, but there's not much I can do about it. If I stand up to him on her behalf, then there's a fight between him and me.
My children see his behavior toward her. He always tells me to watch my language around the kids, but what he doesn't realize is that his behavior also rubs off on them.
Is it common for one to act this way toward the only parent he has left? Is it a fear that he has of his mother dying someday? What can I do?

EDDIE SAYS:

Unless your father pays me $150 an hour (plus several grand to get a psychology degree), we can't diagnose why he's cruel to his mother and thoughtless about his impact on others. It could be the reasons you suggest, or something from the past or a wholly separate frustration in his life. Maybe he feels his mother favors his wife over him, as evidenced by the legal relationship.

What can you change here? The most likely thing is your own reaction to it. People looking for drama tend to just want more of it. Staying calm in the face of it will frustrate them at first, but they're also likely to get bored without a reaction and shut it down.

I'm not saying you should just let him rail against his mother, just that shouting him down won't work. It takes great patience, but perhaps the answer is waiting until he's out of steam, then taking him aside and asking him to look back on what he's doing.

That sounds a bit touchy-feely (and it is). But it might change the dynamic and get a better reaction. Not at first, though. He'll tell you you're crazy and to leave him alone. But the idea isn't to get a tearful breakdown and transformation. It's to get him to, later, think about what he's doing.

And if that doesn't work ... be glad that he doesn't come around more often.

ALANA SAYS:

I'm as stumped as Eddie as far as why your dad acts this way. But before confronting him about it -- and I do think you should -- why not talk to your mom?

You didn't mention her reaction to your dad's behavior, and chances are she'll defend her husband. So when you bring it up, ask as a concerned daughter -- not as an angry one.

With any luck, your parents will give you an idea as to what's really behind the behavior, and with even more luck, you can all work to overcome it. But if not, keep Dad away and continue to show Grandma how much you care about her.

• Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.