The Proper Way To Fight With Your Mate
If You Can't Stop Arguing With Your Loved One, At Least Do It Right
Jacqueline Tresl, R.N., gives tips on coping with stress
February 10, 2000, 5:18 p.m. EST
Editor's note: Just in time for Valentine's Day, Jacqueline Tresl today concludes a series of three columns exploring stress in love and relationships. Have you ever had a really nasty fight with your mate? Let's revise that: Did you have a really nasty fight with your mate in the last week? When the dust has settled, do you find yourself cooing, "Let's not ever fight again"? Who are you kidding? Even as you say that, you know that you will argue again, because trouble in paradise is part of being a package. A successful marriage or long-term relationship is not a question of never disagreeing, but of learning how to disagree. It's Not Your Imagination Perhaps, once upon a time, hubby made your pulse race and your toenails tingle. Now you wonder why marriage causes you so much stress and so little joy.  If you have more arguments than ever -- don't panic. An increase in discord doesn't mean you made the wrong decision hooking up with this person. In fact, there's a biological component. Your pheromones -- your body's love chemicals -- cut back production once the hormonal uproar of courtship ended, replaced by the dreary everydayness of real life. This biological shift has major implications for the psychological tone of the relationship. The intense love and compassion you used to feel for your betrothed can be overshadowed by anger and dissatisfaction with your espoused. In short, getting along can be a bummer. Can't Live With 'Em … When we're horrifically stressed while we're married -- admit it -- the thought enters our mind: "If only I could be rid of that bum." "I'd be so happy if she'd just get lost." Don't believe that little voice. Psychologists have assigned number values to the stressors of life. The highest rankings both involve marriage. Death of a spouse rates as 100, divorce as 73. (Link: MindTools.com on Surviving Life Crises) Apparently, permanent separation from our mate is the ultimate stress. Realizing that, is it possible to turn a stressful, counterproductive marriage into a relationship of joy and respect? How to find comfort and tranquility with our mate over the long haul? First: Admit you're going to fight. Then, fight fair. Would You Take A Bullet For 'Em?Think of the harsh word that sparks a fight as being like an unexpected gunshot. When an average person hears a gun being fired, he instinctively runs away from the sound. When a Secret Service agent hears a bullet, he has been taught to run toward the sound, to protect the V.I.P. and close in on the assassin.
In a similar way, training your own instincts under fire can make for a happier, less hassled marriage. When you are attacked emotionally during an argument with your spouse, your natural reflex is to defend yourself -- to run away from the wounding words and seek cover. What you need to do is to come closer to your spouse and the angry words. Set aside the instinct to defend yourself; respond to the source of the trouble and investigate. Be prepared to take some of the heat -- even some of the blame. For example: Say your man claims that you act snooty to his brother. Instead of saying, "No, I don't," try, "Hmmm. I wonder why you feel that way. Maybe I could change the way I act toward your brother." Admit It If your woman confronts you with three days' worth of dirty underpants you've left heaped beside the bed, don't pretend you were planning to pick them up. Instead, try, "I sure am a lazy son of a gun. I hope you'll still love me." Really, what have you lost by admitting responsibility? Probably a little pride. What have you gained? Probably some peace. If you point fingers, point at yourself even while trying to address the other person's behavior. That means learning to express your anger through "I" statements. Don't say, "You must not love me because you never kiss me goodbye," but rather, "It makes me feel so loved and special when you kiss me goodbye." (Does that example make you feel starved for affection? Click here to get a virtual kiss.) Talk about what you need and how you feel instead of labeling your spouse. The Value Of A Cease-Fire Learn to be realistic. If you can't resolve an argument, agree to timeouts. Let's say you and the wife have been caught up in a yearlong argument cycle about your ill-mannered son. Every discussion ends in a battle. She stops speaking. You storm out. It takes days for your collective hurt feelings to heal. The next time, before you lose your tempers, one of you needs to say, "I'm going to take a timeout. I'll be ready to talk to you about this issue tomorrow morning." Like a gentleman's agreement, you both walk away, knowing that neither of you is in any frame of mind to resolve the current conflict. Come at it again when you're fresh. Spouses are not the ideals you once imagined they were when you were dating. They're mere flesh and blood. But remember to go easy on the flesh wounds and bloodshed. Further ReadingSome of these links are fluff, but I liked them all -- and married couples need all the helpful sites they can get.  Previous installments in this series: --Jacqueline Tresl, R.N., a coronary intensive care nurse and nursing supervisor for over 20 years, writes about health and happiness for newspapers and magazines. Her first book, "Whoever Heard of a Horse In The House?" is scheduled for release in March. First published Feb. 10, 2000
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