Are you guilty of top 5 Facebook felonies?
What social networking behavior ranks worst?
There are just some crimes that are unforgivable. The kind of crimes so heinous that they make your skin crawl or cause you to question the existence of God.
Like murder or casting Paris Hilton as a nuclear physicist or ... using your Facebook status to record the boring minute-by-minute minutia of your day.
Seriously, you had corn flakes for breakfast? Nice. You clipped your toenails while watching "The View"? Good to know. You're en route to the grocery store to buy some milk and eggs? Try to locate some self-restraint while you're at it.
Of course, like in every good crime story, everybody's a suspect. We all do this stuff and usually it starts out small. One minute you're taking a quiz to see which "Jersey Shore" character you are, the next you're posting drunken party photos for all the world to see that outdo even the most publicity-starved reality TV star.
Some would rank such social networking behavior as mere pet peeves or minor annoyances, but it's time to make some more serious charges stick. To us, these are nothing less than "Facebook Felonies."
Do you respect the English language?
No. 5: Malicious Destruction of the English Language
It's definitely a crime against the English language, but the shorthand used in texting, often called "textese," is also a capital offense on Facebook.
It might be understandable if you're posting from your iPhone, but with a full keyboard in front of you, what's the defense for typing "What ru up 2? b/c I wz 1dering if u wanted to do sumthing 2nite? Every1 is going out. c ya l8tr."
It might have been charming for a bit when Prince tried that stuff in the '80s, but it's just plain lazy. As if it wasn't hard enough figuring out whether you want the "live" or the "news" feed, nobody wants their Facebook wall to look like an eye chart.
After all, how much time can really be saved by typing "u" instead of the two additional letters necessary for "you"?
Are you guilty of entrapment?
No. 4: First-Degree Entrapment
So that cryptic, puzzling message you just posted as your latest status update? It wouldn't hold up in a court of law and it's not fooling anyone ... OK, so maybe more than a few Facebook victims took the bait.
But the rest of us see right through your nefarious plan. You're not being an endearing enigma wrapped up in a ball of cuteness. What you're really doing is seeking attention, or as we call it, trolling.
Examples of this crime include posting updates along the lines of "John can't believe what just happened" or "Stacey wishes some people would just grow up." Or, even worse, something truly bizarre like "Josh has had it up to here with all these darn chickens."
Not even a trained professional could run such a convincing con. Like a fish attracted to something shiny, Facebook friends gobble up the lure in one gulp, not even knowing they're swallowing the hook at the same time.
Do you know the line between sharing and oversharing?
No. 3: Public Indecency
Go ahead. Call this crime by its oh-so-annoying abbreviation TMI and see how quickly the Internet acronym police slap some matching steel bracelets on you and toss you in the back of a black and white.
Between proud mothers sharing every tiny detail of their toddlers' potty training routine and people who post in great detail about every single health complaint they have, it's time to issue an APB on society's ability to self-censor.
If you've ever been an eyeball witness to one of your parents filling you, and anyone else visiting their Facebook page for that matter, in on the more intimate parts of his or her life, than you've been a victim of oversharing.
This crime has become so prevalent online that Webster's New World Dictionary even nabbed "overshare" for its Word of the Year for 2008. It's not like there haven't been suspects predisposed to oversharing in the past, it's just that violators have an accomplice in technology that has made it easier to do so than ever before.
And lets make one thing clear, while some people might be interested in your bra color, most of us couldn't care less.
Who really is your friend?
No. 2: Contributing to the Delinquency of Friends Lists
I couldn't pick you out from a police lineup. So why are you trying to "friend" me?
Everybody's come up against this crime at least once or twice. An acquaintance of another acquaintance sends you that friend request. You might have even met this potential new friend once, but the odds are against it. So why would they even want to add you are a friend? This transgression stops here.
And what about those people from high school, or even further back in your past, who wouldn't give you the time of day back then but now suddenly seem to think you were once BFFs? Here's a tip: If you have to dust off your yearbook to match a friend request with a face, you probably should just hit the "ignore" button.
Parents guilty of getting curious about all this "Facebook stuff" and friending their grown children can also face a lesser charge of this crime. Consider it a Facebook gross misdemeanor that can be wiped clean after a sufficient probationary period if no inappropriate wall posts or embarrassing childhood photos become involved.
Ah, family. Can't Facebook with them, can't unFriend them either.
Are you a distributor?
No. 1: Willful Unauthorized Distribution
So you found a quiz you think I'll get a kick out of. I'll trust you. You're my friend, after all, right? If you know me well enough and think it's something I'll really like, great. More power to you.
But when you share that quiz, and every other little app, game and cause with every single person on your friends list, and do so on an hourly basis, you've gone too far and committed the ultimate Facebook felony.
Look, you're not in the mafia. And no matter how many times you overthrow Fidel Castro or shake down a city council member while playing "Mafia Wars," you're not going to be in the mafia. And if I haven't responded to the 100th request to help you out on some nefarious underworld heist, I'm probably never going to.
And while we're on the subject, everybody's happy your zoo's baby mongoose is thriving and that you're such FarmVille green thumb, but if you invite me one more time to help you raise a barn, you're gonna do some hard time.
It's time to clean up Facebook, lean hard on all violators and stop these senseless crimes for once and for all. Right after I tag all my friends with this "25 Random Things About Me" list.
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