WHY DOES IT HAVE TEETH?????
Oh, sorry, we’re not there yet. Let me back up.
In the year 1886, Friedrich Nietzsche said, “When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”
Fast forward 144 years, and I fear I may have discovered exactly what he meant.
On Tuesday, the folks (read: monsters) over at Paramount Pictures (read: the seventh circle of hell) released a new trailer for a movie adaptation of "Sonic: The Hedgehog" today, because movies about video games are always a good idea.
(Note: Surprisingly, the live-action Mario movie isn't even the worst movie starring John
It’s been like six hours since the internet was poisoned by this monstrosity. And in that six hours, I have watched it … I don’t know … probably 200 times.
At this point, I am sure of two things:
1. This is the best horror movie trailer I've ever seen
2. I will never experience joy again
So, on that note, let’s get into it.
We open on a calm, beautiful meadow. The sheriff’s vehicle says “Green Hills.” Like the Green Hill Zone from the games! I get it!
We dissolve to a tight shot on Sheriff James Marsden. You know, from "The Notebook," "27 Dresses," "Westworld" and now, my nightmares. His radar gun clocks a “blue blur” (ANOTHER VIDEO GAME JOKE YOU GUYS) running at 760 miles per hour, and finds a blue glowing hair on the side of the road … which he picks up with his bare hands, because what’s the worst that could happen?
This. This movie is the worst thing that could happen. And it’s happening.
After some “running” shots through the forest, we see the blue spiny hedgehog drop into a … murder pit? Whose shoes are those?
How many people were killed and probably eaten, (hopefully in that order), in this dark, secluded serial killer’s trophy shrine?
Then – Sonic plays a cassette tape of “Gangsta’s Paradise” … which might be the most ironic and honestly hilarious possible song choice. Except maybe that one “teeth” song from The Fairly Odd Parents.
Next, a genuinely disturbing full-body shot of Sonic stretching and showing off his terrifying form on the freeway, before a close-up of his evil, evil face muttering the last words his victims ever hear --- “Gotta go fast.” (Fun fact: those are also the last words I say before the Taco Bell I ate last night returns for Montezuma’s Revenge).
Jump shot. Enter a war room, where a generic military guy gives a generic military guy premise for the movie. There’s some energy something happening somewhere and they need like, some AA batteries or something. I don’t really know.
Who do they hire? Deuce Bigalow. Ace Ventura? Bruce Almighty!!! Close, but nope. It’s Jim Carrey with an absolutely BANANAS mustache, playing Dr. Robotnik. Or, more likely – this is just Jim Carrey wandering onto the set, being just regular Jim Carrey on a Thursday.
Then, Sheriff Marsden busts into a cabin in the woods, presumably to investigate all the missing kids whose shoes Sonic kept as trophies.
He shines his flashlight on Sonic. And then, you discover what fear truly is.
IT HAS TEETH. WHY DOES IT HAVE TEETH?
This is the last face you see before you die.
This is the reason we have a ratings system on our movies.
This is the reason doves cry.
This is what's watching me from the corner of the room during sleep paralysis.
James Marsden’s reaction to Sonic is all of our reactions to Sonic. Pure, unadulterated fear.
Immediately, and understandably, Marsden shoots this Lovecraftian monstrosity on sight. Mercifully, the trailer comes to a close, and the nightmare is over.
Sonic is fine. If you aim to kill the devil, you best not miss. Now he is best buddies with James Marsden – who, and I can’t stress this enough – is somehow not SCREAMING the entire time.
It’s worth noting that Sonic is voiced by Ben Schwartz (Jean-Ralphio from "Parks & Rec"), which means that show has been ruined forever. I could walk you through the rest of the trailer, but it’s not necessary, because you already know Sonic is going to murder everyone in the world, eat them with HIS TEETH, and then put their shoes in his murder dungeon.
Gotta go fast.
In case you’re wondering – Sonic the Hedgehog is historically toothless, because Sega wasn’t in the business of fear.
Sonic hits theaters nationwide Nov. 8, but he’ll be in my nightmares from now until the end of time.